Every family’s got one, at least. That hardcore conservative who makes every Thanksgiving get-together a nightmare by sounding off, unprompted, on how liberals are ruining this country with their taxing and their spending and their gay-marrying, and how back in my day blah blah blah.
Usually you just keep your head down and stare into your turkey and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Then the next morning in the shower you remember what you should have said in response.
But this year’s going to be different. Why? Because here at MSNBC, we’ve anticipated crazy Uncle Gary’s top talking points, and provided you with the concise, factual, snappy rebuttals you need to finally shut him up once and for all.
So without further ado, we present: MSNBC’s Top 10 Comebacks For Use Against The Family Conservative
1. When He Says: “Obama only won because of voter fraud. This new site barackofraudo.com explains it all.”
You say: “Voter fraud is extremely rare. UFO sightings are actually more common! In the last ten years, there have only been 13 credible cases of in-person voter impersonation. Photo ID laws, by contrast, have the potential to disenfranchise hundreds of thousands of voters— disproportionately minorities, young people, and the poor. And that site you mentioned is run by the same guy who said the polls were biased in Obama’s favor and Romney was going to win easily. Look how that turned out.”
2. When He Says: “OK, but Obama definitely got a boost when he cooked the books on those jobs numbers.”
You Say: “Actually, the Bureau of Labor Statisitics, which puts out the jobs numbers, is run by career civil servants, not political appointees. In fact, some people who work at the Labor Department have actually donated to Republican campaigns! And Jack Welch, the most prominent of the Jobs Truthers, ended up backing off his claim, saying he wasn’t talking about the White House.”
3. When He Says: “Well, fine, but you can’t deny that Obama only won because Hurricane Sandy and Chris Christie made him look presidential in the final week.”
4. When He Says: “And speaking of Hurricane Sandy, there’s no evidence it was caused by climate change, like liberals are saying.”
You Say: “That’s beside the point. Climate scientists have been predicting a greater frequency of extreme weather events like Sandy as a result of climate change for years, and the rising tides that were definitely caused by climate change made the flooding much, much worse.”
5. When He Says: “Obama promised to be post-partisan, but he’s completely unwilling to work with Republicans.”
You Say: “Obama spent all of 2009 and much of 2010 trying to compromise with Republicans on the stimulus, health-care reform, deficit reduction, and financial reform. Meanwhile, even before Obama took office, the GOP held a meeting where they agreed on a strategy of knee-jerk opposition as a way to beat Obama in 2012. “If he was for it, we had to be against it,” as one participant explained it. Wanna blame someone for the lack of bipartisanship? Look at your own party.”
6. When He Says: “If Obama raises taxes on the job creators, it’s going to force them to start laying people off. Is that what you want?”
You Say: “Actually, a recent study by the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service found that raising the top tax rate wouldn’t have any impact on growth, but it would slow the recent dramatic increase in income inequality. And by the way, Republicans tried to kill that report because they didn’t like its findings.”
7. When He Says: “What about Obamacare? We’re trillions of dollars in debt already. Obamacare is only going to make that worse. We just can’t afford it.”
You Say: “Actually, the law includes numerous cost-saving ideas, and studies have found that it’ll reduce the amount we spend on health care. One authoritative study found that by 2019, we’ll have saved $590 billion.”
8. When He Says: “Well, I’ve heard it’s going to give free health-care coverage to illegal immigrants.”
You Say: “First of all, they’re doing the jobs you’d never touch. And they, like you, get sick. But they’re not actually covered under Obamacare. In any case, hospitals are required to provide care to anyone who comes to an Emergency Room, meaning they’re shelling out major cash any time someone without insurance needs medical attention. So making sure more people are covered actually saves the country money.”
9. When He Says: “Look, the bottom line is, I don’t work hard so that all of my money can go to those lazy moochers living off the government. Romney wasn’t the best candidate, but he was right about that!”
You say: “How about those Social Security checks and that Medicare coverage you and Aunt Sue rely on? You think that doesn’t count as government help? You might also be interested to know that the states that rely the most on federally funded benefits are also the ones that vote the most conservatively.”
10. When He Says: “Listen, I’ve had enough of all your ‘facts’”.
You Say: “Pass the cranberry sauce please!”